So basically, I want to change myself.
I shouldn’t hate myself. I want to say - “hey look, I AM beautiful”. But if I go round telling people that, they’ll think I’m deranged and that I’m self centred and arrogant because society’s fucked up like that.
I need to stop letting emotions rule my head.
I SHOULDN’T keep things bottled up still. But a few things need to be put in check.
A lot of the arguments I’ve had with people, have been based on misunderstandings. I like to think they’re in the wrong most of the time. The thought of having to deal with the blame kills me.
What happened with my twin, shouldn’t have happened. But then again, this had only happened twice. If he had really wanted to stay, he wouldn’t have left me.
I need to apologise to a lot of people.
I know I put people first before me, I still do now. But I need to stop acting like the victim, and THINK before I speak. I need to ask how people are - not talk about myself all the time.
I think that’s a safety mechanism, when no one has much to say. When I first get to know a person, I ask them about themselves. But later on - I start to talk about myself. It’s terrible, I know.
As I said, I need to LIKE myself. I’m still going to be my crazy weird dramatic self. And yeah I’ll still be a bit argumentative with certain people.
But I need to realise that if no one can be there for me, I can cope. I don’t want to keep thinking of suicide as a way out. Because even though I’ll never kill myself, it should NEVER be a final option.
All those years when I was bullied and told that I should get run over by a bus, I never wanted to kill myself.
I don’t want to go back to my socially awkward self. But yeah.
And I’m going to student support tomorrow, to get this stuff off my chest. Also, because J is concerned about me and wants me to go.
But I am going to be better.
I’m going to scrap that letter I was trying to write, because it’ll hurt too much to dwell on the memories. I’m going to do things right now. I’m going to make everything better.
Hugs, laughter, music - the world needs more of it! :D
(And doctor who but yeah lets not go there xP)
This is what i’m going to tell myself. Every day. That I’m worth it. That I need to THINK, and triple check what people say to me.
That’s all <3